Modest Mommies.

"Um...Mommy?" Jewel's voice was timid, "is it OK for your knees to show when you're sitting in church?"

We were driving to Easter service and my dress had inched up above my knees.

"Well, honey, my dress will cover my knees when I'm sitting in church. It's just that when I'm driving---"

"So, if you showed up to church with a short skirt on, would they tell you to go home and change?"

"No."

"Because that's none of their business, right?"

"Well---"

And here I was, stuck in a pickle. Modesty is an issue I've struggled with for most of my life. I was raised in a very conservative home where every item of clothing was scrutinized for being too short, too tight, too low-cut, or too high-cut. Bikinis were banned, obviously. As were pierced earrings and painted nails.

I went through a rebellious stage a few years ago where I wore pretty much anything I wanted, including bikinis. A strange thing happened. I did not like strangers being able to see my cleavage. I felt stark naked wearing a bikini in a public place. Nobody was really looking at me, but I felt exposed. And also, I was so self-conscious all the time! All I could think about was myself and how I looked. Blech. 

There's nothing like being self-conscious to ruin your worship at church. How could I concentrate on worshiping God if I was worrying about whether my bra strap was showing, or if my skirt had inched up? In other words, my immodest spirit (self-consciousness) hindered my ability to fully worship my Savior.

I can honestly say that my mind is changing about modesty not because someone exhorted me to go home and change. My mind is changing about modesty because I felt the sting of my conscience when Jewel noticed my short dress. Sure, my dress was long enough, technically. It covered my knees--if I pulled it down.

But my obedience to God shouldn't be about technicalities, right? My obedience to God ought to spring from love--and love doesn't do only what is strictly necessary. Love lavishes itself on the beloved.

How would I feel if my husband demonstrated his love for me only technically? I would feel so neglected!

In a culture that glorifies nudity, a woman who covers herself is rare. What I am beginning to see is that a woman who covers herself is, in fact, truly beautiful. Exposing oneself is not beautiful. It's degrading because it diminishes the beauty of the interior woman by focusing the attention on her exterior.

I doubt I'll need to make major changes to my wardrobe. I dress pretty conservatively as it is. But I want to make sure I listen to that still small voice.

Especially because I have three daughters who are watching me.

Comments

[Nicole]

It's a fine line sometimes, isn't it? We want our daughters to grow up to of course be modest, but to also know that God-given female beauty is OK. With (soon-to-be) four daughters, this is on my mind also!

[terry]

Well said. If you have time, check out my post on this subject (http://terrysoapbox.blogspot.com/2008/03/im-all-for-modesty-but-i-hate-uniforms.html). I, like you, am uncomfortable with hard and fast, legalistic rules about what's modest and what's not. It's a heart issue and is never as simple as some make it seem. With 4 daughters, I too, have spent a fair amount of time thinking about this. Thanks for sharing this post.

[Rhonda]

Very well said. I like your view on this. While I think it is very important for women to dress modestly, I get so tired of hearing all the "dos and don'ts". It is a matter of the heart. You are just going to show outwardly what your heart says on the inside. If you are pushing every limit your heart probably isn't where it should be.

[Heidi Jo]

i think as a parent it is always safer to err on the side of caution rather than indiscretion.

i see so many young girls out and about in clothing (if it can be called that), that just shouldn't be strewn upon anything short of an exotic dancer. and what baffles me is, who are these parents that let them do this?

i really think that it is a personal decision based upon the teachings of one's faith. there isn't a one-size-fits-all modesty pole that we measure ourselves on. but the whole concept of modesty is a lost teaching.

i took a youth trip to denver two years ago with a group of 14-17 year olds. and in one of our talks we talked about modesty. i asked them simply, "what is modesty?"----they had no idea. i mean, they gave answers, but they had no idea. it was sad.

[Andrea]

Yes!!
With three daughters (and a son, for goodness' sake!) I am very aware of how I dress and if I am modest or not. I am hopefully modeling that to them.
I like what you said: " A woman who covers herself is truly beautiful.".
You are right, it is a heart issue.

[Yvonne]

Beautifully said. It has been a similar journey for me. Thanks for sharing.

[destry]

I have had a few conversations on the subject of modesty in regards to religion. Invariably, someone says that they don't want to be "bound" by "those things", that it is legalistic.

My reply is, I don't want to be "bound" by the world's view of beauty. Just as I want to be appealing to my husband, I want to be appealing (pleasing) to the Lord. If that's bound, tie me up.

I agree with Heidi. Why on earth would I want to teach my 4 daughters that in order to be attractive, they have to be half naked.

Why would I want to teach my son that the only beauty in a woman is found in her outward diplay of flesh? Especially when it is so fleeting.

[Elizabeth Esther]

wow, ladies, some really great thoughts here. destry, i love your thoughts on not being "bound" by the world's perspective!

the modesty issue has been a journey for me---i've experienced the legalistic side and i've also experienced the liberal side. somewhere, like most things, the real-life-solution lies in the middle. it's a balance, i think.

would anyone care to comment on whether church leaders should send a woman back home to change? ;-) i'd love to hear thoughts on this....

[destry]

I'll comment...of course, lol.

In general...ABSOLUTELY NOT. That could cause someone to abandon church...and Jesus all together... if she didn't have an established relationship.

I think that there could possibly be two exceptions...

(1) If it is an established member, participating in a leadership roll...Sunday School teacher, choir, worship leader, etc...then I think the pastor has a right to require a certain dress code. At our church, that means no sleeveless or capsleeve tops, nothing too low cut and skirts must cover the knee when sitting.

I think that is reasonable because the member is choosing to be in a leadership roll and therefore must present themselves as such. If McDonalds can require you to wear certain attire in order to work there, why should the church be any different?

(2) If someone is dressing provocatively as an intentional distraction, and conducting themselves in a loose manner, then I think it is okay to tactfully request that the person dress more appropriately in the future. I wouldn't think it would be okay to send them home.

Now, both of those scenarios are pertaining to a member or someone that comes on a fairly regular basis.

In no way do I think it would be okay to require a visitor or a new convert to do those things. Hopefully conviction would take care of that in time.

I think mature pastors know that people are "fixed" from the inside out.

AND, know that just because someone has the "dress code" right, it doesn't mean that they are all cleaned up on the inside. Because, I'm sure we have all come across those that look right, but are filled with bitterness or anger,are gossipers or full of contention, etc.

What do you think?

[Elizabeth Esther]

Destry: I think you make a very balanced and gracious argument. I really appreciate a gracious, wise manner about this b/c I, myself, have been on the receiving end of gossipy, legalistic "dress-code enforcers" and it is so very, very hurtful. Thank you for sharing.

[Meagan]

Thought provoking post that hits home to a topic I've been pondering lately. Most importantly, I've realized when "we" (the church) make rules regarding anything, unless it is stated clearly in the Bible, we are imposing a work-based salvation or at the very least work-based sanctification upon our own beloved brothers and sisters in Christ! Most things we quibble about, in my view, are based upon convictions, personal convictions between the person and God. So, even with a topic like modesty, what is acceptable will vary from culture to culture, not to mention person to person.
Just my two cents.

[Ginny]

Great reminder! Thank you. My husband comments quite a bit on how much he appreciates that I save being sexy for him and only him in the bedroom. I think it means alot to them if we know how to look and be sensual, but it's a one person show. Not that I feel we should be dowdy in public...that draws attention too. But definately modest and decidedly feminine.

[Chelle]

Great post, Elizabeth. You know it's one close to my heart. My experience has been similar to yours... realizing that even without a church telling me how I should or should not dress, I already knew because of how I feel when wearing certain clothes.

[leanne gilchrist]

Elizabeth, thank you for your caring and sweet comment on my recent post! I was so thrilled and blessed to see that you had visited! It truly helped to make my day!

On the subject of modesty, it really is all about listening to that still, small voice in your heart. I heard a great analogy that said "if you dress like a police officer, everyone will automatically think that you are a police officer. If you dress immodestly, everyone will assume that you are a loose woman, regardless of whether you are or not." That stuck with me....but I don't struggle with immodesty, I'm waaaaay too scared to show my stuff to anyone but my husband, because, after 9 pregnancies, and though I've lost nearly 80 lbs, this body ain't beautiful!!!! So that's my two cents worth.

It was a very well done post, like usual, thank you!!!

And I look forward to seeing you again on my blog!!

Leanne in Longview

[Ariella]

It is sad how much our perception of our outside can determine our lives. I find that a rigid focus on do's and don'ts heightens our awareness and self conciousness about our outside just as much as the media does. I don't know what the answer to that is necessarily, but I do know that having a man in your life that loves you for your character (husband or father) makes a world of difference! I think that the church's place is to promote the growth of the heart, the more you focus on behavior, the more you will get just a behavioral response. hmmmm...don't know what the practical application is there.