EE's Love/Sex Advice Column! ASK THE ADVICE FAIR-EE!

In the interest of having more fun AND helping love-sick readers, I've decided to launch my very own Love, Sex Advice Column. WHY? Well, since Dr. Laura is retiring from radio, SOMEBODY with dubious credentials needs to take her place! ;P

Seriously, though. I get all kinds of emails and some of them even ask for my advice WHICH THEY SHOULD NOT DO SINCE I AM NOT A QUALIFIED ADVICE-ER. But, hey. I love doling out advice, solicited or otherwise. Because it's fun, peeps.

And who doesn't need more fun, am I right?

Plus also, I can TOTALLY be objective about other people's problems. My own? Not so much.

So, anyhoo, I envision this column as a collaborative effort. I'll give my opinion and then I want my awesome readers to weigh in with THEIR advice, too (because you KNOW you love to hand out advice!). It takes a village, amen?

Hopefully, this column will run once per week. Or once per year. It ALL depends on you and whether you send more emails asking for advice.

[PLEASE SEND EMAILS ASKING FOR ADVICE! Anonymous submissions OK!]

Wow. I sound like a used car salesman. BAD CREDIT OK! $0 DOWN! SEND EMAIL NOW!

Moving on. 

So, here is my first Advice Column taken from a real email exchange I had with a lovely young woman searching for love.

Aaaaaaand lights, camera, ADVICE!

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Today's letter comes from a 20-something single living in Atlanta, Georgia.

Dear EE:

I met a guy at church last January and we became good friends. He's very supportive about things that are important to me. I started having romantic feelings for him a few months ago but just found out that he doesn't feel the same way. I'm not sure he knows how I feel about him (although I thought I made it obvious). I don't know how to get over him! But I really don't want to lose the friendship. What should I do?

--Lonely in Atlanta

Dear Lonely,

If he's made it clear that he's not interested and you still have feelings for him--it's time to place the "friendship" on hold. Your ability to be a good, platonic friend is compromised by your romantic feelings. 

For example, he may want to chat as "just friends" and since you'd do anything just to be near him (even if you're only chatting about the weather!), you'll agree to hang out. But if you continue to hang out with him and especially if you start sharing emotionally sensitive information, you are building bonds that make him seem irreplaceable. I only see this causing more pain and frustration for you.

Until your romantic feelings have subsided, the wisest thing to do is to not spend time with him. AT ALL. Physical separation is the quickest way to get over emotional connection. 

It's time to cut the ties that bind. Find other friends to lean on--preferably girlfriends.

p.s. I'm pretty sure he knows you have/had feelings for him. Guys tend to pick up on that. :)

p.p.s. Which leads me to remind you that a gentleman never takes advantage of a woman's feelings. If he knows you liked him and he still invites you to coffee and/or calls you on the phone? He's sending mixed messages which can also be translated as: using you.

You're worth more than that!

With best wishes for finding true love, EE.

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 If you'd like some love help from The Advice Fair-EE, send me an email with the subject line: ADVICE.
BE SURE to share your advice with "Lonely" in the comment box!
Or just say hello in the comment box. Or chat about allergy meds. Or coffee.
You know, the usual. 

Also? SUBSCRIBE!
 

Comments

[anonymous chicken]

As a guy who has responded in a gentlemanly (and, regrettably, not quite gentlemanly) fashion in similar situations, I'd have to agree wholeheartedly. He probably has picked up on the attraction, and will understand what's going on if you suddenly separate yourself.

[Ruth Ann]

Dear Advice FAIR-EE,

You are too, too hilarious! I can barely stop laughing to write this comment.

As for your advice to the young lady, it's perfect. Seriously, I cannot say more. You have my seal of approval.

[Christian H]

Hmmm. Yes, that is tough. I've been on both sides of that kind of thing. If I were you... well, if I were you I would continue spending as much time with him as possible, but that might actually not be good advice, as EE indicates. And he certainly suspects, though he might not know. (If he's like me, he'll second guess even the most obvious signals.) If he only suspects, he probably won't treat you differently. In fact, he likely won't treat you differently until you make it explicit how you feel, since he won't bring it up because want to make you uncomfortable. (I'm assuming that he's a decent guy, here.) Which may appear as mixed messages to you, but likely is only complete uncertainty on his part. (Unless he's asking you out for coffee or having more-than-acquaintances phone calls, as EE indicated. I've seen that sort of thing happen, and it made me furious.)

But, honestly? If you do want to isolate yourself from him until you're "over" him, do the right thing and tell him why. I know that's hard, but consider how he'd see it if you just up and stopped associating with him.

[Emily]

Good advice, EE. Nicely done! Also, I love the picture. :)

[Nate Jimenez]

EE, you had to pick something I'm passionately annoyed about... great. (warning: semi-peeved quasi-rant ahead)

Immediate issues to me from that snippet. It's a SNIPPET! No details about how she showed interest, how he found out, if he found out, or by whom she found out what his feelings are. Did he tell her directly (verbally) he has no interest in her and just likes being/wants to stay friends, or was it from a second or third party informant? Did she directly [and verbally] make her feelings known, or were they "obvious" hints?

There are those of us males in the species who aren't as observant as females say we ought to be. We aren't taught to look out for the "obvious signs" at all either. And even then, we misinterpret them most of the time. Gender difference communication and all. Most of us even miss what females do call "blatant signals." If it can be labeled as a "subtle hint," then it wasn't worth the effort.

There is being subtle and not being noticed by a guy, or being blunt and being seen as too pushy. Being tactful and expressing your interest is tricky depending upon personalities of the two people involved. Depending upon if they are shy or outgoing, there may be completely relaxed and open communication, or just simple chatting. We don't quite know.

This is precisely why I hate people asking for advice in snippets without a complete story. Not enough information of factors to be taken into account = early and highly probable chance of incorrect diagnosis.

If she really wants to go out with him, she should ask him out. If she wants to keep the friendship and not have it go anywhere, she should be careful of the time spent with just him and the time they spend talking in general.

/slowheavyexhale

[Jen]

oh fun! I hope you do these on a regular basis!
p.s. Are christians allowed to ask advice on.....sex?????????

[Tara Meghan]

Nnnnnooooooooo!!!! I have asked guys out before. Several times. Turns out (in my experience anyway), if you have to ask the guy out, he doesn't like you as much as you do him, and he's probably never going to.

Whether it's basic nature, or cultural training, or what-have-you, a guy who is worth dating (and likes you) WILL ask you out if you just seem really pleased whenever he pays attention to you. I know there is anecdotal evidence out there about girls who asked out their future husbands, and lived happily ever after, etc. But I'll tell you right now, that husband probably would have asked her out eventually, and if asking out a guy is your approach (as it used to be mine), you will probably go through a lot of lemons and wasted time. Because the decent, kind, nice guys out there don't want to hurt our feelings. They will go out with us because they think they *ought* to like us.

I finally swore off asking men out, and two months later my future husband asked *me* out! Turns out he told his sister he was going to marry me, before he ever asked me out. That's what Lonely in Atlanta deserves.

[Destry]

Yay EE! This should be fun!

Jen, Song of Soloman, need I say more :)

[Mary E.]

Nate, my husband was also shy and has the same name as you. But when he decided he liked me, he asked me out on a date and I said yes. I didn't give him any obvious hints or signals, other than being nice to him when he started conversations. He liked me enough to take the risk of asking me out, even though there were no guarantees of how I would answer. I said yes to his dinner invitation and two years later, yes to his proposal.

If you don't like a woman enough to take a risk on asking her out, but would rather have her take on that risk, then I think you should both move on to other people. She deserves to feel cherished and pursued. And you deserve to be with someone you like so much, you just have to take that chance on stepping up and asking her out, because you want her in your life that badly.

My husband was shy too. He didn't have much experience dating and he'd been turned down by other women before. But he took a deep breath and asked me out. When he did that, it just made me like him a hundred times more, because it made me feel like a beautiful woman pursued by a brave man.

[Maggie Dee]

Great advice Elizabeth. I'd also say if he's not interested in her, then she's spending time with him that she could be spending with someone who is interested in something more.

I agree with Tara Meghan, if a guy is interested in you, he will ask you out. And besides, when you are married and life hits you between the eyes, you want the guy who is head over heels in love with you. Or as Dr. Laura would say, 'The one who would bring you lemonade through shark infested waters'.

[Elizabeth Esther]

Hi Nate! I'm just throwing out a wild guess here: do you have personal experience/heartbreak with this kind of scenario? :-)

Here's the deal: since Lonely told me she made it obvious, I'm gonna take her word on that. I'm just working from the information she gave me. I don't know HOW she made it obvious, but she did. And the guy isn't interested.

I still think the advice is sound and also I'm not really the girl recommends that women ask men out. Generally speaking. Yes, there are exceptions that work out great. But GENERALLY SPEAKING, women like (and deserve!) to be pursued. So. Anyway, that's my lame love advice.

Yes, it's a snippet. Yes, it's probably a highly incorrect diagnosis.

But from what I heard: "Lonely" appreciated my advice advice. So. I dunno.

Thanks for chiming in!

:)

[Elizabeth Esther]

OF COURSE Christians are allowed to ask for sex advice! Bring it!

[Calah]

Oh what a funny question! That too was one of my questions, along with others, when I was going through RCIA. My (already Catholic) husband took my semi-embarrassed whispers to him out of my hands when he loudly asked the RCIA teacher if Catholics were only allowed to have sex missionary-style, and she started laughing and proclaimed that to be "boring sex."

I've never been so embarrassed in my life, but it taught me a lot about the Church's stance on sex...let's just say there's not the Puritan streak in Catholics that you find in the fundamentalist churches I grew up in. Refreshing indeed.

[Jen]

lol that was a touch of sarcasm....I'm sure my mother would have a heart attack if she knew her christian daughter thought about sex. :)

[Mary E.]

One more point: Let's just say there is a tiny chance the guy is secretly interested in her. (Which I doubt in this case, but for the sake of argument, let's say he is.) If she's not hanging around him all the time, he might wonder if she's meeting other guys, which could make him pick up the phone and ask her out to dinner before someone else does. Becoming scarce will either help her get over him, or it will motivate him to pursue her for real. Either way is a huge improvement over her pining for him.

[Jen]

Can I just say that I REALLY appreciate what you said here. I have been there and done that plenty of times...and have been chastised by dear Christian girlfriends for having to just cut off a friendship. I look forward to what else you have to say about this. Thanks for your gentle honesty and for being a straight shooter.

[C]

Ohh, perfect advice. I have a friend who I have had to completely cut off. It hurt WAY too much to see his life moving forward. I still have contact, in a limited way, but I don't use it very often.

[Nate Jimenez]

If she found what you told her to be helpful, then good for both of you.

It can be argued who should pursue whom. Since there is evidence to support both sides.

Previously shy, yes (traumatic brain injury altered my personality slightly). Talked to A LOT of women over time in college and working retail (particularly in women's shoe store). I have found it's far easier to gauge interest once personality is mostly understood (does she have ADD, is she depressive, is she highly expressive, is she very shy and stand-offish, does she have an altered outlook on males by reading certain magazines/books?). Personalities play a huge part in how interest is even shown. There are many signs women show, but if a guy doesn't know her (or the signs themselves) well enough, they can be misinterpreted. Some signs are obvious for an average person, but if she has behavioral issues, they affect how she acts around guys in general.

Sidenotes: 1) I love reading Evolutionary Psychology.
2) In Australia, many times it is culturally acceptable for the lady to ask the man out, and sometimes even pay. (experiences from friends of both sexes from both continents visiting the other)

[Sarah@From Tolstoy to Tinkerbell]

Christians don't have sex. Babies appear magically since they are gifts from God--so being sarcastic there. I love the the Advice Fair-EE.

One of the best movies I ever saw on this issue was "He's Just Not That Into You." I love the interplay of the bartender and main female character as she is trying to navigate the world of dating. Basically, women imagine more than is really there sometimes--the interior monologue of a woman creates all sorts of things.

[Laurissa]

Dear FairEE...
I love this column. So much. Your sense of humour and wisdom are pure bliss.

So my question is: what were some of the things that attracted your husband to you? Why did he chose you out of all his other options (assuming he had them, lol)? I think you're wonderful, btw. I ask only because I am a single young woman who knows she is a wonderful creation of God, but yet still wonders why no handsome young man has figured that out yet. Some ideas would be nice, just to see if I'm missing anything that might lure me a good catch ;) Thanks!

[racheldzik]

EE- What is your e-mail address?