1. Use a shot of your cleavage as your profile pics. Extra ewwwwww points if you're a married mom.
2. Send auto-direct messages to all your new followers. C'mon, are you really "super excited" about getting to know each new follower?
3. Retweet everything.
4. Plug your product/book/blog incessantly.
5. Write chipper, cheesy, inspirational platitudes all day.
6. Share what you ate for lunch. Everyday.
7. Swear nonsensically. If you're gonna swear, it at least needs to make sense. Otherwise? Boring.
8. Pretend you're doing something we all know you're not really doing; ie. *baking a pie from scratch while tweeting this!*
9. Be a celebrity like Demi Moore-Kutcher and post bikini and in-bed shots. (Oh, wait. I follow her! Nevermind! Tweet on Demi! Tweet on!)
10. Everytime there's an earthquake, predict the End is Near. Quote Scripture.
11. Take yourself very seriously.
12. Never reply to anyone. Just talk to yourself all day.
13. Ignore your direct messages.
14. Be all poetic and mysterious.
15. Be Mark Driscoll.
****MASSIVE DISCLAIMERS!****
- I am annoying on Twitter
- I take myself ver-wee, ver-wee, sewiously. Don't mess.
- Sometimes I ignore direct messages. Because sometimes I'm busy. Go figure.
- HOWEVER, I have never used a shot of my cleavage as a profile pic!
- FULL DISCLOSURE: because I have no cleavage.
- i plug my blog incessantly
- frankly, I don't know HOW THE H-E-double-hockey-sticks to use Twitter without being annoying
- but I like to pretend I know
- in other news, my 6th grader still wants to go to the dance.
- Help! What do I do? For reals! I was raised fundie! Dancing led straight to fornication! How do I do this???
- shall I chaperone with a loaded rifle?
****ADDENDUM TO THE DISCLAIMERS!****
a.) there is no addendum, I just like that word.
***P.S. I love you** (wasn't that a great movie?)** also, I do love you!
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The 7 Stages of Blog Grief {a handy guide to pathetically freaking out all over the Internet}}
So, my blog went down sometime Friday afternoon (thank God it wasn't a Monday, am I right?). But THAT didn't prevent me from having a HUGE freak-out.
In order to redeem my stupidity, I'm dissecting the 7 stages of blog grief for you. Just so you'll know what to expect when (NOT IF) your blog goes down.
1. Shock/Denial: when @adam_thedad tweeted me that he couldn't see my site. I was all taken aback. Hence, my brilliant response:
2. Calm, cool acceptance: it's time to notify everyone involved that yes, a tragic accident has occurred. Be professional. Use correct grammar.
3. Mood swings: even though you know it's not your fault and that the problem will probably get fixed, you start getting all irrational and worrying incessantly that nothing will ever be the same again.
4. Anger/Questioning Everything: if you find out that the problem is a result of a massive "malicious attack" on your host's company site, just launch over the cliff into full-blown meltdown. Triple-tweet your distress (expect people to offer you cheese with your whine because OBVIOUSLY, lame "first-world" problems.).
5. Start crying literal tears about your virtual problem: your non-blog-reading husband is sure to COMPLETELY understand.
6. Realize that you've just shot your "Christian witness" to, um, Hades. Clearly, you think too highly of yourself and your blog's importance. Also? You said damn in one of your tweets. Time to go to Confession. How do I explain a "blog" to a priest?
7. When your blog comes back online, act like a war just ended and you SURVIVED! Go around kissing everyone (virtually). Commit acts of random capitalization. Pretend you're Sally Field winning an Oscar.
***Addendum, Disclaimers, ETC.***
The weirdest thing about all of this? It wasn't a fundie conspiracy to shut down my blog!
Also, I found out that some of you really DO love me. THANK YOU!
Lastly, my husband thinks I'm cute when I'm stressed out.
But I'm really not interested in looking cute again. ANYTIME SOON.
And now that you have proof of my clinical insanity, why not join the fun by subscribing to my blog? :)